


Anal Assassins and Candy Canes

by fangirlscribbles



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: "candy cane" is now a euphemism for sex, M/M, just kill me ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 19:38:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3180683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlscribbles/pseuds/fangirlscribbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mandy drags Mickey with her to celebrate Christmas before anyone knows about Ian and Mickey. A dildo gets involved, and things could perhaps have gone better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anal Assassins and Candy Canes

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd. As usual, Kelly had a lot to do with this. This is also much longer than I ever intended it to be I'm so sorry

Ian grinned as Fiona reached for the last present under the tree – he knew exactly which one it was, and he hoped the recipient would appreciate it. Perhaps not the gift itself that much, but the idea at least.  
  
“Okay,” Fiona said as she squinted at the label, tossing her head to get the ball of the Santa hat she was wearing out of her face, “this one is for Mickey.”  
  
She seemed a little surprised, but was really good at hiding it as she reached the wrapped box out to him. Mickey was even better at hiding his own surprise and excitement – so far the only gift he’d gotten was from Mandy.  
  
“Who’s it from?” he asked, but answered his own question as he looked at the label. “Ian, huh?”  
  
Ian nodded. “Yeah. Come on, open it.” He was really excited to see Mickey’s reaction – even if no one in the room knew they were fucking, and Mickey probably saw it was _just_ fucking, Ian cared, okay.  
  
Mickey carefully unwrapped the box with fingers that were shaking just a little from trying to hold back and not tear into the present like Liam had done with his.  
  
Once it was unwrapped, he opened the box – and his eyebrows shot up into his hairline. “Another box?” Mickey looked over at Ian. “If this is some kind of fucking babushka doll joke, I will _hurt_ you, Gallagher.”  
  
Ian, however, had frozen. _Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no._ He’d gotten two gifts for Mickey, one which was more… _special,_ and that he’d intended to give to Mickey later, in private – but it seemed he’d mixed up the presents once they were boxed and wrapped and he’d put the wrong one under the tree.  
  
“Mickey,” he managed to get out as dread started to fill his stomach, but it was too late. Mickey had already opened the second box.  
  
The look in his eyes when he turned to Ian again was absolutely murderous. Ian swallowed. Oh, he was so gonna get it.  
  
“Ian _fucking_ Gallagher,” Mickey ground out, “I am actually going to kill you.”  
  
“No murder in my house!” Fiona said quickly, but it was lost in the chaos that followed.  
  
Mandy threw herself on her brother before he had a chance to put the box away, and let out an extremely high-pitched pterodactyl screech that seemed to be equal parts horror and amusement when she saw the contents. About half a second later, Mickey threw himself on Ian – making the box roll out of his lap and its contents spill on the floor.  
  
“Is that a giant candy cane?” Kev said from where he was sitting on the floor. Ian didn’t really have time to care about the giant in question, he was too busy running up the stairs to avoid Mickey. He was absolutely certain Mickey could, and would, kill him with his bare hands. “Oh, no. That’s a dildo.”  
  
“Come here, you asshole!” Mickey yelled as he hurtled after Ian through the corridor upstairs. “I’m gonna dig your fucking heart out with a fucking spoon, you hear me?”  
  
Downstairs, Lip was howling with laughter. “Oh my god!” Mandy exclaimed just as Ian stumbled into the kitchen and ran towards the living room. “There’s peppermint lube!”  
  
“Christ, Ian,” Lip called, “are you actually boning Mickey Milkovich?”  
  
Ian didn’t exactly have the breath required to respond, panting from running up and down the stairs through the house, but Mickey apparently did.  
  
“Shut the fuck up, Lip, or I’ll shove the thing up your fucking ass!”  
  
This, of course, only made Lip laugh harder. “Are you sure about that, Mickey?” he called back as Ian and Mickey rushed through the living room a second time. “I think you’re gonna need it more!”  
  
In the middle of the chaos, Ian heard Liam’s voice. “What’s this?” he asked in his adorable child voice. Oh no.  
  
“That’s a grown-up toy, kid,” he heard Kevin say, and he would’ve breathed a sigh of relief if he had any breath to sigh with, “you can play with this when you’re older.”  
  
The third time they got downstairs again, Mickey abruptly changed course from chasing Ian to launching himself at Lip. “You think you’re funny, Gallagher?” he practically growled, sealing his hands around Lip’s neck and squeezing. “You think you’re funny, huh? You’re not.”  
  
“Mickey!” Ian exclaimed once he realized what was happing, nearly falling over with how quickly he turned around. The scene in front of him would’ve been nothing short of hilarious if it wasn’t for his sort-of boyfriend trying to strangle his brother – Fiona watching the unfolding events with wide eyes, trying to cover both Carl and Debbie’s ears, Mandy examining the peppermint lube with a scrutiny that frightened Ian, Kev and Vee trying to explain to Liam why the dildo was a grownup toy and trying to take it from him without upsetting him.  
  
When they saw Ian, however, Kev threw the dildo to him and Ian caught it out of reflex. “Gonna have a little snack later?” Kevin winked and Ian shuddered.  
  
However, he realized he had more pressing matters to attend to when the sounds of Lip choking reached his ears.  
  
“Mickey!” he exclaimed again as he stalked over and, without thinking, slapped Mickey across the face with the candy cane-colored dildo. The effect was instantaneous; Mickey froze and slowly turned to Ian, eyes wide and mouth open.  
  
Then Mickey’s expression changed to a glare and since he seemed to be at a loss for words at the moment, he settled for punching Ian’s arm really hard. Ian, even as he rubbed at the stinging spot on his arm.  
  
“Come on, Mickey,” he said with a wide smirk, “I know you like that.”  
  
Beside him, Lip seemed to choke on his own tongue. “I’m actually going to puke,” he managed to get out, voice hoarse.  
  
“Well, congrats asshat,” Mandy spoke up as she threw the tube of peppermint lube at her brother’s head, “if you’d told me you were gay I could’ve set you up sooner, wouldn’t have had to go so long without a dick in your ass.”  
  
“Wait,” Carl said, finally free of Fiona’s death grip, “where do gay wieners go? I want to know where gay wieners go!”  
  
Honestly, Ian hadn’t even known Mickey could blush. Yet here they were, and Mickey’s face was redder than Ian had thought humanly possible. It seemed like Mickey was not a threat to anyone at the moment, so Ian dared turn to his little brother.  
  
“Mickey, do you put that thing in your dick?” Carl pointed at the dildo. “Little Hank says gay dicks open up.”  
  
Mickey actually choked and Ian, deeming Mickey unable to speak at the moment, took it upon himself to answer.  
  
“Nothing goes _in_ the dick, Carl,” he said, maybe a little impatiently. This Christmas had just turned into one enormous mess. “That thing goes in Mickey’s ass.”  
  
Carl was quiet for a moment, but then he wrinkled his nose. “Oh, eww. _That’s_ where gay wieners go?”  
  
Unable to resist ruffling Carl’s hair, Ian nodded. “Yep, that’s where gay wieners go. My dick goes in Mickey’s ass, and Mickey’s very happy.” Maybe that was a little mean, but seeing Mickey embarrassed was fun and he couldn’t resist. Especially when it seemed like Mickey wasn’t going to run or attempt to kill anyone after Ian had gotten him off Lip – which was a Christmas miracle in and of itself.  
  
“Shit, Ian,” Mickey finally whispered, “please shut the fuck up.”  
  
“Can I just say I’m not surprised at all that Mickey Milkovich is gay?” Kev piped up from the couch, raising his hand in the air and looking around. “Always thought he seemed a bit like an anal assassin type of thug.”  
  
“Amen to that,” Mandy said, high-fiving Kevin.  
  
Ian turned to Mickey when he felt the smaller man grab his arm in an iron grip. “I am _this close_ to punching you in the dick,” Mickey hissed, glaring up at the redhead. Ian just rolled his eyes.  
  
“Are you sure you don’t mean sucking it?” Kev piped up and Ian grabbed hold of Mickey, scared he’d lash out again.  
  
Lip grabbed the dildo from Ian’s hand, holding it up in front of his face and examining it. “But seriously, this is huge,” he said, looking up at Mickey. “If you actually manage to fit this up your ass, I’ll be impressed.”  
  
And it seemed like some of Mickey’s inhibitions finally loosened – or maybe he just forgot himself.  
  
“Yeah, well,” he rolled his eyes, “your dear little brother is about that size.” He turned to lip and squinted at the dildo, then took a not-so-subtle glance at Ian’s crotch. “Maybe a little bigger.”  
  
Utter silence.  
  
“Well!” Mandy said, breaking the awkward silence with a cheery tone. “I think you boys have other business to attend to, no?”  
  
“Yeah, don’t you have some sausage jockey-ing to do, Mickey?” Kev piped up.  
  
Lip used the dildo to smack Mickey’s ass before handing it to Ian. “On you go, little backdoor bandits. But we don’t wanna hear you all night, okay?”  
  
Ian just flipped him off over his shoulder as he dragged a shocked Mickey after him upstairs.  
  
“Come on,” he murmured to Mickey, “let’s show them we have a greater sex life than all of them combined, yeah?”  
  
Mickey seemed to come out of his shock a little then, unable to hold back his snicker.  
  
“Yeah, I’m not gonna fucking hold back, man.”  
  
Ian just threw his head back and laughed.

**Author's Note:**

> Also on tumblr.
> 
> I'm gonna go live under a rock now.


End file.
